There is a piece of me that is missing. Anyone who has lost their mom can identify with the feeling.
Mother’s Day is always a day that stirs up the emotions even more because of her absence. I do have a diversion because I am a mom. My kids and husband do sweet things for me during the day to make me feel special but the void is still there.
I hate that she isn’t here to see them. I hate that I can’t call her, confide in her, have her encouragement, or advice. I miss the feeling of having a member on my team, who knows me well and believes the best in me. I hate that I can’t watch her share the lives of my kids as they grow. Knowing how excited she was when my first was born….. I hate that she never met my second.
I hate disease and cancer for what it has taken from me and my friends. I hate that we are in this club of sorts, navigating our lives without one of our biggest influencers. I am grateful for the friends who can idenitfy with the pain, but I wish we never shared membership of this club to begin with. I realize that I am not alone in this club and that I have had more years and memories than some of it’s younger members. It still hurts no matter what age you are, no matter how long you had them in your life.
I dislike the word hate but I can’t find another word strong enough for the emotions I feel.
If you hate the awkwardness/pain you can sometimes feel observing close mother/daughter relationships….I get it.
If you feel mad at the loss of moments you won’t get to share together…I get it.
If you fear forgetting her voice, smell, mannerisms……I get it.
If certain moments/times of year trigger memories that hit you stronger than others…… I get it.
If you have regrets about wasted time with the one you loved….I get it.
If you wish you would have spent more time talking about all the questions you can no longer ask……..I get it.
If you hate the akwardness of telling a stranger your loved one has passed away… I get it.
If you’re mad at yourself for not taking advantage of “all things domesticated”….I get it.
If you wish you would have asked more questions about her hopes, fears, dreams…I get it.
If you wish you would have asked more questions about her childhood to give you a closer glimpse of her life…..I get it.
If you feel a little lost sometimes…. I get it.
If you fear your memories of your loved are beginning to fade…. I get it.
If it feels like the world has moved on when your world paused in her absence….I get it.
This is not meant to make people who still have their moms in their lives feel guilty or like they should be on eggshells around someone who is missing their mom.
My mom and I had a strained relationship in high school but we really grew in friendship once I left for college. (my messy room was no longer a point of contention) While away at school, the distance ironically brought us closer together as we got to share our hearts over phone calls. We communicated our love to each other differently and sometimes that left each of us with hurts. Our misunderstandings showed the way we were wired differently and yet the longer she has been gone, the more things I am finding in common with her.
I do understand the ups and downs and complaints for dealing with family members and it does not offend me to hear others venting about their relationships.
I guess this is just a reminder of what you already know….To try to love your mom as best as you can while she is still here.
This image was of my mom on her last Mother’s Day. While bound to a chair, the cancer filled her body with excruciating pain with each tiny movement. That pain could not stop the bounds of her love for each person who entered the room to visit her..especially her only grandson.
You can feel free to ask us members of the “missing mom club” about our moms. Sometimes it’s nice to share about what they were like, what our favorite things about them were and the ways we try to carry on their legacy. It’s really great when we can remember the funny stories.
I know the real way to honor her is to live out her legacy of being a person of faith and love.
She gets to spend Mother’s Day with my brother in heaven….. and I look forward to being reunited with them one day too.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love you and I miss you so much!